NEWSFLASH!
Parent Coaching for Professionals
Two- day training event
In Central London
THURSDAY 5TH NOVEMBER – INTRODUCTION TO PARENT COACHING
FRIDAY 6TH NOVEMBER 2009 – FURTHER PARENT COACHING TECHNIQUE
Call Dawn - 01793 852494 or
Norma – 020 7586 5933 for details.
Dear Friends,
Our August newsletter addressed the difference between wants and needs, especially in relation to holidays. This month we will focus on personal needs, and how to recognise, acknowledge and communicate them to others.
ACKNOWLEDGING OUR NEEDS
In the rough and tumble of family life, with all its demands upon us, we often fail to notice, let alone acknowledge, our personal needs. As parents, we may feel that our own needs should be submerged in the needs of our families, and deny that we have personal needs at all! Indeed, in our parenting workshops, when we suggest that parents allow themselves a small “treat”, there is often a feeling of guilt expressed by the participants at this idea.
When we become parents, the love we feel for our child leads us to put the needs and interests of that child first. This is undeniably essential for the child’s survival and welfare. Loving parents are the most valuable foundation in any child’s life, and where parents’ personal needs are not in accordance with the child’s needs, there is certain to be conflict, which we, as parents, have to resolve.
FINDING SUPPORT
Woman’s Hour on Radio 4 Monday, 21st September, www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_four aired a discussion on the publication of a report by The Young Foundation, which describes much of the parenting support on offer as focusing too much on the management of children’s behaviour and not enough on parents’ needs.
Yvonne Roberts, co-author of the report, explained that where programmes of support focus on children’s bad behaviour, parents often feel they have been placed in the “naughty corner”, which has the effect of infantilizing them, rather than empowering them to feel they can do something about the situation.
UNDERSTANDING OUR NEEDS
Parent Coaching Works’ programme addresses the issue of parent confidence, as we believe it forms an essential part of the foundation upon which parents can build their relationship with their children. Parent coaching acknowledges that parents need confidence to tackle challenges themselves, in their own way, so by addressing this issue, we empower them. Instead of a “how to” set of guidelines, parent coaching enables parents to develop their own strategies for coping with the many decisions they will have to take as their children grow to adulthood.
All of us, throughout our lives, at different times, have different needs. Children need the love and care of responsible adults, and most parents strive to do their best for their children. But, later on, when those same children show a need for independence as they grow towards adulthood, parents may feel threatened by this need in their children and this can lead to conflict. Parents need to have strategies which allow them to approach these differing challenges, and parent coaching motivates them to find personalized solutions that work for them and their unique family.
COMMUNICATING OUR NEEDS
Adults are often reluctant to state their needs, but, paradoxically, feel resentful when they are not met! By not acknowledging those needs or asking for them to be addressed, we create barriers in our personal relationships which can lead to misunderstanding, tension and resentment. Unreasonably, we may expect our nearest and dearest to “know” about our needs, without our having to articulate them!
IT TAKES COURAGE TO OWN UP TO A NEED BECAUSE WE FEEL WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MANAGE WITHOUT HELP!
ASK THE FAMILY!
Kate felt frustrated and angry with her children when they came home from school and she wanted them to change out of their school clothes into play clothes, and leave them tidily in their bedroom for the next day, but they wanted to start playing straight away! Kate knew that their school clothes would get dirty if they played outside wearing them, and there would be more washing and ironing for her to do as a result! Kate needed the children’s co-operation and understanding of the need to change before play.
KATE’S FIRST STEPS TO GETTING HER NEEDS MET…..
1. Recognise and name your need (see above)
2. Identify possible sources of support (the children, children’s father, other adults, e.g. friends, parent groups etc).
3. Focus on the positive and how things will be better for everyone concerned.
4. Communicate your need calmly, reasonably and firmly, giving reasons.
5. Ask for what you want in a straightforward and clear way.
6. Create a solution to meet everyone’s needs. (e.g. the children don’t want to waste time, and they want to play, have fun and maybe get a bit messy. Tell them that they can play without having to keep very clean if they have their play clothes on, and make it fun to see who can get changed and organised first. COACHING ALWAYS FACILITATES THE CLIENT TO THINK OF AS MANY IDEAS AND RESOURCES AS POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE THEIR AIM.
7. Show appreciation in an appropriate way for having your needs met.
Even young children can be helped to understand that other people, including their parents, have needs. It teaches them respect for others and builds awareness, both of which are valuable life-skills.
Best wishes,
Norma and Dawn